Well, its a difficult one to start to be honest.
This blog is something which combines a couple of things I enjoy doing, but, just by looking at it, you can see that.
This post explains a lot of the things behind it.
For a lot of the last 25 years, I have struggled massively with mental health issues, ranging from depression, to self esteem problems, with bipolar tendencies and OCD related issues kicking in.
I’ve always found it difficult to cope with, especially in recent years, as my issues within my own mental health have reached a boiling point, and they have made me realise (as well as great help from colleagues and friends, who have been far more understanding than I deserve). This culminated in me reaching rock bottom in February of this year.
I don’t want to go into what happened, its still a bit raw, but, people who have never met me, rallied together to help me back from the precipice of issues I faced.
Sometimes when I want to deal with things, I shut myself away, and, find myself on Football Manager. This is a game that I have a long history with, stemming all the way back to the mid 1990s, when I first discovered the Championship Manager games that led to the game going through several iterations, before arriving where we are today with FM18.
Personally, I’ve been involved in the research for these games for the last decade. I’ve combined my love of the football team I support, with my (geeky) love of spreadsheets and researching stuff. As such, I do the research for Nottingham Forest, and am responsible for making sure that the data for the club is represented as accurately in the game as possible.
Another thing I enjoy, but have never really had the chance to do much of, is writing about things. I suppose my lack of effort here is more down to me suffering from self esteem issues for most of my adult life, and as such, taking the easy option out. After hitting rock bottom (and perhaps for a bit of time before this), I felt that facing up to things that I feared, especially those which I’ve avoided for a long time, were things I had to do, even if it was to prove to myself that I could do them.
That is where this blog comes in.
Since June this year (2018), I have been off work with several mental health issues, which are under treatment and investigation. As a result, I’ve done a lot of walking the dog, which in turn has led to a lot of thinking about things.
One thing that came up was wanting to do something with a Football Manager save. Normally, I’d play a long save, go 10-15 years in, and nothing would ever be known about it, with the exception of a few screenshots here and there.
This time, I wanted to tell the story behind the save game, touching on why I think the way I do about certain things, and how, as it can do, these actions affect how I play the game.
Since I was at school, I never really got any confidence in writing anything for anyone else to see, and as such, never really wrote anything. I intend to change that, with this. This site is something I see as a ‘safe zone’, a place where I can go, and quite literally feel safe from everything thats going on around me. This is why I’ve done a lot of writing recently. By playing the game on, I’m making it so I have to write, and by writing the story behind whats going on, and how I see it, I make it so I have to continue.
Its a bit of a false economy really, but, at this point in time, its made me rediscover my appreciation for a lot of the game mechanics side of Football Manager that some people either haven’t noticed, or haven’t understood. As well as that, its made me realise, that yes, sometimes I can use 3000 words when 300 will do, but, my love of writing is returning, and, that no matter how long it takes, or how many words I need to write, I will keep doing it. Not for any other reason than keeping on top of the many things that I find going on in my head.
Thanks for showing an interest.
Rob (P057code), August 2018